Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 3

Top 10 Listening Tips

Listening Skills for Married Couples

One of the main reasons couples divorce is because they lost the ability or never had the skills to communicate with one another. Poor listening skills lead to the breakdown in communication in a marriage. Here are some tips on how to be a more effective and life-giving listener.

1. Don't Interrupt

Let your spouse finish what they are saying. If this is a problem and you interrupt a lot, find someway to remind yourself to keep quiet. Some people put their chin in their hand as a sign to themselves to not speak til their mate is finished talking.

2. Keep an Open Mind

Don't judge. Jumping to conclusions or looking for the right or wrong in what is being said prevents you from listening. Think before you say anything in response, especially if it is an emotional reaction.

3. Make Listening a Priority

Listen without planning on what you are going to say in response. Let go of your own agenda. Be aware that you need to listen. Make eye contact. Pay attention by not looking at the TV or glancing at the newspaper or finishing up a chore.

4. Use Feedback Technique

Let your partner know that you heard what they said by using a feedback technique and restating what was said. Say something like "I hear you saying ...." Be open to the possibility that you didn't hear clearly what your spouse was saying.

5. Watch Non-Verbal

Be aware of non-verbal signs and clues - both yours and those of your mate. These include shrugging your shoulders, tone of voice, crossing arms or legs, nodding, eye contact or looking away, facial expressions (smile, frown, shock, disgust, tears, surprise, rolling eyes, etc.), and mannerisms (fiddling with papers, tapping your fingers). 55% of the message is delievered through non-verbal signs.

6. Blocks to Listening

Try not to fall into these patterns of listening: mind reading, rehearsing, filtering, judging, daydreaming, advising, sparring, being right, changing the subject, stonewalling, and placating.

7. Stay Focused

Focus on the main points that your spouse is talking about. It's ok to ask questions to clarify what you thought you heard.

8. Gender Differences

Although not true for everyone, men and women generally communicate differently. Being aware can enhance your listening skills. Men often share because they want to give information or solve a problem. Women tend to talk to connect with someone or to get information. Women usually talk more about relationships than men. Men are often more concerned about details than women.

9. Show Respect

Respect your spouse's point of view, even if you disagree with what is being said.

10. Advice & Talking

Don't give advice unless asked for it. You can't listen and talk at the same time. Feelings are neither right or wrong.

Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship

Part 1: Expectations
Part 2: Fighting Fairly
Part 3: Work on Your Listening Skills
Part 4: Financial Concerns
Part 5: Conflicting Chores
Part 6: Marriage Sexuality
Part 7: Cinema Therapy
Part 8: Get to Know One Another Better
Part 9: Celebrate Your Coupleness
Part 10: Take the Dialogue Challenge

Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 1

Marriage relationships need fine tuning from time to time. Even couples in great marriages can find themselves taking one another for granted or feeling in a bit of a rut. Over the next ten weeks, this series of articles will lead the two of you through steps that could enhance your marital relationship.

Talk About Your Expectations

Unrealistic Expectations Have to be Faced
Everyone has expectations. However, unrealistic expectations will end up being direct paths to disappointment and unhappiness in your marriage. These include having false expectations, believing in the myths about marriage, thinking that someone else can make you happy, trying to read one another's mind, wanting to do everything together, and wanting to have a perfect marriage. When these are not identified or verbalized, they can create great barriers in your marriage. Hopefully, your expectations will include being able to lovingly resolve conflicts, to appreciate your differences as individuals, to respect and cherish one another, and to be able to discuss values and priorities.

Marital Myths
Many myths that surround marriage give couples unrealistic expectations. Disappointment is sure to come if you are looking for the Cinderella-like happily-ever-after storybook marriage year after year.

Ten Weeks to a Better Marriage Relationship: Part 2

The way a married couple fights can often tell psychologists more than what they fight about. If done correctly, conflict and healthy, fair fighting, can strengthen your marriage.

Learn How to Fight Fairly

How to Fight Fairly in Your Marriage
Bottom line: Be respectful, don't bring up old issues, stay on the subject, keep the argument between the two of you, and remember that your relationship will lose if you are fighting just to win or to make your own point.

Conflict and Anger in Marriage
Every marriage relationship will have marital conflict and hostility during difficult times. Learning how to handle these problems, knowing when to seek a therapist's help and being able to forgive are some of the keys to making matrimony successful.

Coping with Stress in Your Marriage
The impact of stress and burnout on a marriage can be devastating. If any of these symptoms are starting to creep into your marriage, it's time to step back and re-evaluate your life style and commitment to one another.

When You are Wrong - - Make Things Right

Throughout your marriage, you will make mistakes.

Although small mistakes will not initially hurt your marriage, if you do not acknowledge your mistakes, or you become defensive or justify your mistakes, those behaviors will create hostility and a lack of trust between you and your spouse.

It doesn't make any difference if you've made an insignificant mistake or a serious mistake, you need to take ownership of the mistake, admit to it, apologize for it, fix it, and not repeat it.

• Assume Responsibility. Tell the truth if you've made a mistake. Don't put the blame on anyone or anything else. Don't try to hide your mistake or pretend it didn't happen.
• Accept Consequences of Your Mistake. Realize that your spouse may be annoyed or upset with you, but being honest about making the mistake will help defuse your spouse's anger.
  

• Make Things Right. Fix it, clean it up, do what it takes to correct the mistake. Although you can't change the past, you can avoid making the same mistake in the future. Learn from your mistakes.
• Ask for Forgiveness. Be sincere and honest and don't play games. Say "please forgive me." Saying you are sorry isn't enough. Don't expect your spouse to just get over it immediately. Forgive yourself, too.

Quotes About Making Mistakes

John C. Maxwell: "A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them."

Swami Sivananda: “Do not brood over your past mistakes and failures as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. Do not repeat them in the future.”

Confucius: "A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it is committing another mistake."

Hugh White: "When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power."

Nikki Giovanni: "Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to error that counts."

Important Keys to a Successful Marriage Relationship

• Be aware of yourself and take time to get to know yourself.

• Share feelings with one another. Remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are.

• Reduce stress in your marriage by not nagging each other.

• Work together to get things done around the house. Share the sense of accomplishment. Avoid power and control struggles.

• Remember you are not your spouse's parent. Your spouse will learn from the natural or logical consequences of actions and decisions.

• Show appreciation and give your spouse praise.

• Treat your spouse with respect and kindness.

Pay Attention

Pay attention to how your spouse responds to your praise, or when you make time to be together, or when you nag, or when you get angry. These behaviors have natural consequences in how your spouse acts, feels, and thinks.

Great Ways to Say I Love You - - Say I Love You to Your Spouse

The best ways to say "I love you" to your spouse are usually in simple, everyday, seemingly unimportant ways. Leo Buscaglia, who wrote and taught about love, said: "Words and deeds that say 'You enrich my life' go on forever."

Here are some suggestions on how to say “I love you” so that your love for one another goes on forever.

• Make sure you say "I Love You" at least once each day to your spouse.
• Write unexpected love notes.

Suggestions on Where to Leave Love Notes
• Give your mate an unexpected hug, a surprisingly romantic kiss, or a teasing tickle often.
• Be spontaneous and surprising with winking at each other, whisking your spouse away for an unexpected weekend alone, star-gazing together, taking a walk in the rain with one another.
• Share memories by looking at old photographs and talking about memories you share together.
• Schedule a day to just be leisurely together.
• Listen.
• Give the gift of your time by performing trivial chores for your spouse, such as folding the clothes, running an errand, washing the car, etc.

• Don't forget anniversaries and birthdays.
• Smile.
• Blow a kiss from across the room.
• Dance with your spouse in your own living room.
• Hold hands.
• Plan and cook a meal together.
• Say I love you in a different language.

8 Ways To Make Your Marriage Work

1) Spend time together because time is life, leave your children with their grandparents. Not for sexual reasons alone.

2) Have fun together: Dress casually, Stroll out.

3) Share interests and activities together.

4) Know and like each other.

5) Talk Things over.

6) confide in each other

7) C all each other for help e.g. stay with the children, make a cup of tea.

8) Count on each other's loyalty.

Ways To Make Your Marriage Work (Part 2)

HABIT #1 - GIVE EACH OTHER PLEASURE

Your goal in the relationship is to give each other pleasure, not to cause pain. Simple, isn't it?
However... for just a single day, become consciously aware of everything you do, by asking yourself the question, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my partner pain or pleasure?"

To help you, each of you should make two lists: one for all the things your partner does that hurt you, and another for all that you'd like your partner to do to give you pleasure.
Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more guessing!

HABIT #2 - CREATE LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP RITUALS

We fall in love through rituals of connection and intimacy such as romantic dinners, long conversations, riding bicycles or going for walks, exchanging gifts, talking every night on the telephone...

When we fall in love our relationship becomes the center point of our life, with anything else becoming secondary.

Over time, when the relationship becomes more settled (particularly after we have children), this process reverses.
The children, our work, our hobbies, our friends - take the center stage and the relationship being relegated to the background tending only to receive our attention in times of crisis.

The remedy to routine (the main cause of dull relationships) is connection and intimacy rituals.

For example, every Saturday evening, as a changeover from the working week into the weekend, take two hours together when you put a "do not disturb" sign on your busy life.
No phones, no answered doors, no e-mails, no TV, nothing...
Just the two of you and your relationship.
Do what you will with the time, however it must be an investment in your relationship.

HABIT #3 - CREATE A SAFE SPACE FOR OPEN AND HONEST SHARING

Create a sense of safety and acceptance that allows each of you to express your feelings, problems, expectations and disappointments.

One of our connection rituals is a process called "Clearing" that creates this atmosphere of safety and acceptance.

EVERY NIGHT before we go to sleep, we ask each other "what DID NOT work for you today?"
We give each other a chance to share about all the things that went "wrong" during the day (whether connected to the relationship or not).
If there are any solutions that we can mutually agree upon to assist with improvements for the future, we raise the issue.

When both of us are complete, we initiate a second round, in which we ask each other "what DID work for you today?"
This is our opportunity to share about all the goodness that we've experienced during the day, as well as acknowledge each other (and others) for the support and love we've received.

HABIT #4 - WORK TOGETHER TO RESOLVE CONFLICT AND CRISIS

The problem with the way most couples argue is that they attempt to find solutions before allowing each other the chance to say what they need to say.

The "Council" process ensures that before you engage in solution talk, each one of you feels you have been fully heard.

Here's how it can be made to work in the practice:
One person holds an object in their hand, called the "Talking Piece", which symbolizes that he or she has the floor.
While one person has the floor, the other person is allowed only to listen without interruption.

When speaking, you should focus on speaking from your heart (emotional, spontaneous, instinctive as opposed to mental).

When listening, you are encouraged to listen from your heart (i.e. from acceptance and compassion).

Only after each person has been fully "heard," (in case it is still necessary) continue through to the process of problem solving.

HABIT #5 - TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER, RATHER THAN AWAY

When you pass your lover during the course of a day, do you stop and rub their shoulder, give them a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in their ear - or do you just walk on by?

This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed to "turning away."

Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority.

Make sure to find ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other, such as doing things together that you both enjoy. Take walks together, drink coffee together after dinner, listen to music together...

HABIT #6 - SCHEDULE TIME FOR LOVE

Want to improve your sex life? Here's one of the most profound pieces of advice I can give you: SCHEDULE IT!

Doesn't sound very romantic, I know. But it works.

Waiting for that "magic moment" when you're both "in the mood" may be romantic, but it's not always practical. We all have had times when we were waiting and waiting and... waiting.

Plan in the morning to make love that night. Call each other all day long with reminders, ideas and seductive suggestions.
By the time evening rolls around you'll both feel like you've engaged in foreplay all day long - and you'll be ready for an exciting night!

HABIT #7 - CREATE MEANING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Think about it, besides having fun, what else would you like to do together in the coming 40 years?

We all need meaning in our lives.

You will enrich your relationship by sharing meaningful experiences with each other. The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life and life purpose.
This is why couples who choose a path of personal-growth or spirituality together, have great source of meaning in their lives.

When you practice these seven habits intentionally and consistently, you'll re-create every day a loving, fulfilling and long-lasting relationship.

It's easy - give it a try...

Ways To Make Your Marriage Work (Part 1)

The greatest secret to a successful marriage is that it does not have a ready recipe book to be photocopied and distributed. A good marriage is always ‘customised’ to the teeth -- the two people who are a part of it go out of their way to make things special for each other. All of us are different, so the only way to manage a marriage perfectly is to know your partner and yourself thoroughly and be willing to take things on as they come. Below are some properties that most of these happily-ever-after matches have – but once again – they are no magic formula.

Put God First

God is the author of marriage.

In every aspect of your marriage, you have to put God first, in sleeping, eating, decision taking, interaction with each other, interaction with family members, child rearing etc. Let God be the head of your house, the unseen guest at every meal, the silent listener to every conversation.

Pray together always, a family that prays together, stays together. It is the way to a happy marriage.


The Importance of Respect

Why do you love your spouse? If you start thinking carefully, you will realize that the physical attributes play a great role in it all, and there is no reason why they should not. But do you really respect him or her for what he or she is? Respect is a heavy word -- it weighs more than love. You have to respect your partner’s opinions, his or her idea of personal space, and retain your own respect at the same time. Slavishly following every whim of your partner and then behaving like a spoilt child once this transient charm of saying yes to everything is over is not what makes a marriage.

There are too many people squabbling over money, career, child rearing, household duties and every possible angle of a conjugal life today. These petty disagreements are not going to occur if two people respect each other. It is difficult, and not blindly done, but those who can manage it have found the key to happiness.

Particularly, the wife is advised to respect, cherish and appreciate the husband. If the wife respects the husband, there will be in the family.

The Meaning of Commitment

Do you walk around with your resignation letter in your pocket? Do you automatically look for loopholes while signing a contract? Do you like painting one day and want to take up pottery on the next? When a person is fickle-minded, it will show in every aspect of his or her actions. In marriage, commitment does not limit itself to being tied down to the marital bed. Commitment is a contract between you two – you define the terms – and ensure you stick to them.

The Value of Freedom

Marriage and freedom, in popular imagination, are opposite terms. The moment you marry, you are supposed to be fettered to the other in ‘wedlock’. But love is all about setting free, not tying down. Couples who have led gloriously happy married lives have learnt how to be free within their marriage. This includes freedom of opinion, thought, action and emotion – up to a degree mutually agreed upon. We are not advocating a Bohemian lifestyle, but marrying does not mean enrolling into prison life either.

The Role of Communication

How do you voice your love? Some shout it from rooftops, some look around before whispering it into the ear. Communication is not just talking, but connecting in general. You can say volumes through touch, smile, nod, glance and silence. Do you understand each other? If you don’t, or if you find you have to spell out everything and yet make that extra effort to get yourself across, then maybe you should reconsider things.

Romance Never Dies

The day you stop your courtship is the day the fire dies in the heart. Whether it’s a holiday to Europe or a weekend drive, a diamond ring or a quick kiss before going to work – every gesture counts – because these are the actions we remember most. This is no wishful talk, but a proven attribute of human nature.